In January 2018 my mother passed away. Perhaps she became my angel in heaven. But I missed her and like all survivors I questioned whether I could have done more for her. I grieved heavily, even though I knew she was tired, and spiritually she was already passing over into the next world in the days before her death.
After that I couldn’t continue as I did before. The months before her death had been exhausting. I even lived in a German hospital with her for 30 days while she was undergoing treatment for her respiratory problems.
All of this deeply affected my relationship to music. Whenever I approached the piano and touched the keys I thought of my mother. I couldn’t find meaning in the daily repetition of scales or past compositions. Every once in a while I felt free at the piano and began to improvise. But still, words like concert or recital or performance became meaningless for me. I needed a completely empty space, a break from music and the stage.